21 Mar - 20 Apr
Happy New Year Astro
The coming year will seem like 365 days to you. If you drink every night, it might seem
shorter. If you are married, it will definitely seem longer. It will be a good year for all those
who are born in Calicut & for all those who can spell Jaipur correctly. Lucky color is bright
Red, though it will make you look fat. It will be a good year for all those who are currently
unemployed as there will be lots of opportunities that come your way. Those with regular
jobs might find 2011 a bit stressful however. There are chances that, all who are working
with our national carrier Air India, will go on strike. Students with engineering degrees will
get drawn to MBA courses. Those with MBA degrees will find it tough to get good jobs.
Love life in the coming year will be put under strain as you would refuse to pay 700 Rupees
to see SRK hamming (for the umpteenth time) in his next release RA, much to the chagrin of
your girl friend/wife/neighbor's daughter. Those in a relationship with their Blackberry might
fall head over heel in love with their friend's iPhone.
21 Apr - 21 May
2011 will have 365 days of sunshine for you even if you are a late riser. If you are an early
riser, the sun will seem even more attractive. If you live in the southern hemisphere then the
first six months of the year will be dull. Lucky number is 3 and is not to be confused with the
3G scam. For those employed in the telecom industry, things will brighten up once android
becomes available to the last rickhaw driver, pan wala, doodhwala bhaiya and especially
bhajiwalis with the new weigh scale application. Dare not use the weigh scale application on
you till the end of June, give the summer heat some time to melt you body fats away. Since
this is the sign of the bull with horns, you may experience sexual cravings all year long
especially when you see cows. If you are a female, your love life will be directly
proportionate on how your lovers favorite sports team is performing so avoid dating and
going out with men who support KKR or the Indian football team these teams are doomed for
2011. Wait actually they're just doomed.
22 May - 21 Jun
Avoid financial investments till somebody slaps you with a wad of cash. This is considered
auspicious for Gemini in the first 11 months of the year as mercury retrogrades into the
December sky. Retrogrades bring us to your favorite drink of the year which will be Gatorade
cranberry flavor vis a vis cranberry brings us to you lucky phone of the year which will be a
blackberry. Don't let this fool you, you don't need to go out and buy one to be lucky, just
touch every blackberry you see and make a wish. You just can't go wrong, opportunities will
be galore. If you work under somebody they will surely fall in love with you and find it very
difficult to get over you. You will have to put up with their advances as you have absolutely
no luck with legal matters this year and a sexual harassment case will be even worse for your
image as potential partners will be petrified to approach you. Your family will be supportive
in matters of sending them gifts via e-bay for all and any occasions. Spend time with family
and friends towards the beginning of the month as you are likely to experience 'running out of
balance' a lot towards the end of the months in this calendar year. All in all your year could
just SUCK financially but you will learn to be compassionate and caring to those who are less
fortunate.
22 Jun - 22 Jul
You will meet the occasional moron who will try to annoy you to bring out the worst in you.
Chances are they will succeed; consider this a warning not to get into a brawl with anyone.
The presence of Saturn in cancer indicates over two long hospital stays through the year,
these are guaranteed but it's up to you how you get there, either with dignified malaria or a
broken face. You love life will be excellent as opposed to the last decade. You will finally
muster the courage to speak to women if you are man; and if you are a woman your Rakhi
Sawant like thrashy dressing will attract the bad boys. Don't be stressed out by the bad boy in
your life though, he may stray, may be abusive but continuous unconditional love, selfless
coaxing and far fetched reasoning for a few years will bring him around and make him
marriageable. Things are finally looking up, keep on it! Studying abroad is possible in
September and October as mercury's mobility takes shape. Again, do not travel to racist
countries where there will be more morons trying to beat you up, you'd just be asking for it. It
is also likely you would not be looking like the person in your passport as you are bound to
put on weight and weight loss regimes will fail, even if you try the revised Atkins diet!
23 Jul - 21 Aug
You have every chance of wining a Reality TV show this year. The audience will love you,
the producers will adore you and contestants will fear you. Take part in Reality TV auditions
for Roadies, Indian Idol, emotional atyachar, dance india dance, etc. Play the fool, be a
jackass and things will go your way. Chances of finding true love during the year are high.
You will also enjoy a lot of creativity this year, if your neighbors hate your guts offer them
your home made recipes. You can tune into Master Chef or Khana Khazana for training. This
year is also about stealing other peoples original ideas and calling it your own. Your chances
of impressing people are higher than Akshay Kumar delivering a hit this year. In spite of all
the good that will happen to you this year your stock market investments will dive to an all
time low. It is recommended that you learn self CPR to give yourself mouth to mouth
resuscitation as calamities befall during the end of the financial year around April. As a
caution exercise hard, continuity and commitment will lead to instant six pack abs. This year
you will learn money is not everything but fame might just be it all.
22 Aug - 23 Sep
A kick ass New Years celebration might just be the way you begin and spend this awesome
year. You will mix the cocktails of life and have everyone dancing to your hottest remixed
tracks of 2011 before they even release. Take the coming year as one of the best in your life.
A Play station 4 could fall in your lap, Apple could personalize a phone just for you or Durex
could name a new line of scented condoms after you. This year will be like a Lady Gaga
smash hit album. It will have its dark emotional tracks turning to hip shaking, foot tapping
beats in no time all churning up a smash hit year. You can slap your boss on Monday and
he/she will take it as a show of courage and strength.
24 Sep - 23 Oct
The sign of the weighing scale. You will soar the heights of Mukesh Ambani's Antilla towers
and fall to the depressing depths of Yash Raj's next bomb. This year will be an emotional and
financial roller coaster for you if an ATM machine gives you free money you will get robbed
at some point in the same day. The chances of winning tickets to the ICC Cricket world cup
2011 are high but the chances of being hit by the ball and passing into a coma are equally
high. Think of 2011 as an internal war between your insatiable appetite versus your relentless
bowel movements. You cannot appease both. Around July there is a chance that continuous
stalking of your favorite celebrity through their twitter updates will bring you face to face
with them. You may be pepper sprayed several times but don't let that bring you down. You
will comeback as batman will, in the Dark Knight Rises and continue stalking. Cover your
tracks, use disguises and don't leave traces while stalking that special someone, sooner or
later you will find yourself with them in an enclosed quarters like an elevator or a public
restroom.
24 Oct - 22 Nov
You were always the sentimental types but this year you will learn to let go of all feelings...
Complimenting your mother's cooking will seem like hard work to you, and you'd rather
choke your neighbors cat with a tie than gift it to your father. Expect a complete drain of
human emotions and ability to feel compassionate. Isn't this what you always wanted after
years of putting others before yourself and caring for the poor? Remember the phrase charity
begins at home... forget it for this year! If someone offers you a spoonful be bold and bite
their hand off. Be sure to install the best Anti-Virus on your computer as a very lonely period,
around March and April, will drive you to visit numerous adult sites on a daily, hourly maybe
even minute-ly basis. Remember if you use protection nothing will ruin your hard drive. Take
particular care around family gatherings as your elders will question your single hood and
doubt your orientation, make up an imaginary girl friend or boyfriend if necessary. This will
be easy for you since all Scorpios are extremely creative. Expect a dry period of compliments
and 'likes' on social networking sites as your complete lack of compassion will make other
believe that you are a completely unapproachable. Then again that's how trend setters role,
they never care if they are liked enough, they just keep doing their thing even if it means
locked of in a room somewhere with no external contact.
23 Nov - 22 Dec
This fire sign will realize that 2011 is a fabulous time if it's associated with the internet, since
internet is burning hot these days with sexy sizzling women down south. If you are from
south India and can spell Namitha Kapoor correctly then the year will pass off smoothly like
the multicrore foodgrain scam with just few hiccups here and there. It will be a good year for
all those in the spoof or comedy business since most of the expected blockbusters will be
duds yet again. However, if there are few producers who are Sagittarian they will manage to
spoof their own films and laugh their way to the bank. People associated with banking will
crossover to equities and those in equities will start playing mafia wars more. Love life will
be dramatic with a few bollywood style band baaja baarat scenarios either for self or friend.
23 Dec - 20 Jan
2011 for this earth sign is filled with Posco style opposition where the people/things/events
opposing you don't understand why they should nor do the people/things/events not opposing
doesn't understand why they shouldn't. The whole year will be spent pondering over these
people/things/events and will last for a good decade or so. The colour green will be good for
you if you are in the Jairam Ramesh camp otherwise red is a colour to choose for most of the
year. For the technologically challenged, this year will be great since there will be a surge of
how-to videos on youtube. Same how-to videos will come to the rescue for the romantically
inclined.
21 Jan - 19 Feb
Love blooms for this water bearer only if they are not part of the water mafia prevalent in
most metros. All Aquarians will remain drenched in their own world even in the driest
months thanks to newly installed water pumps manufactured by TATA as a challenge to
better the Nano record. If you are part of the IIT's then there are slim chances of being picked
up by Facebook this year, good luck doesn't repeat itself every year. However, if you an IIM
grad, then chances are bright in the FMGC segment. Falling in love is similar to falling in a
hole and is not to be confused with the mint with the hole.
20 Feb - 20 Mar
2011 will be an unexpected landslide year in terms of being re-elected to the housing
society's board or the executive parking lot union. But like Nitish Kumar, please be still wary
of detractors and continue doing good work irrespective of any road blocks. It's an excellent
year to take financial loans despite the interest hike by banks like HDFC, ICICI, but you are
expected to lose money in mutual fund investments unless advised by an expert like
moneycontrol. People in love will want to experiment a lot with music and some may even
come up with an indianzied version of the vuzuvela but A.R.Rahaman will boo the invention
down with his remix of the CWG anthem. Baby Pink is the colour to wear even if you are not
part of the Pink Brigade.
HAPPY NEW YEAR BE HAPPY ALWAYS
EVERY DAY OF THIS YEAR
